an outpour of negativity i had to express

As extrovert as I think I was, I am an introvert.

Yes. Am not sure but I know that I am perceived as a really approachable guy. Must be my charms but in all honesty, I prefer to be alone.

Why am I having a go at this topic you might ask? Well I am honestly bothered by the fact that I just realized that nobody was genuinely interested in me. Yup. It is a sad truth that I just realized last night. How I came to this conclusion? It’s because that people don’t even ask me questions like “how was your day?” or “did you have dinner already?” and the likes. Yah, that is a sad truth. I know in a civilized conversation, after being asked this question, you’re supposed to return the questions back. But then again, that does not happen to me. Well to the people whom I expect it to come that is.

Well maybe because I answer these questions with “am ok” and “same as always”. Yes, I do that Because I don’t think they would be interested in what I have to say. Yes it is always that. It gives the perception that have this upfront cool, calm and collected look that is my mask. But in reality my inner persona is damaged.

So right now, I feel a bit stupid. Letting these emotions run through me. I can’t even determine what kind emotions they are. Sadness? Loneliness?  Anger?  I really don’t know. I’m just caught up with this negative emotion that seems to be eating me up.

The thing that I hate the most is that I have become a big receptacle in which people with negativity unload their unpleasant emotions. I seriously consider being a psychologist because of it. I guess it is in my good natured features that make people think that they can unload on me. AND I DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE!

I am sick in tired on being visible only when people have worries and become invisible when they’ve unload. I feel like a prostitute with that statement. A prostitute used to unleash a pent up negative emotion. Then gets left behind after they feel better. At least, a prostitute gets paid for it. I don’t. Not that I want to be paid. I guess I was just expecting to be thrown back some kindness and decency to be asked also of HOW and WHAT I feel. But no. I don’t even get a thank you.

Now, am stuck with this idea that nobody really cares. Because I don’t feel it. I guess this feeling is worse when you’re single. You get used to it make you take your guard up and not letting anyone or anything in. It makes you fester and putrefy in your own sh*t. I guess I am also short on TRUST. Yes it is a big word. I do trust a handful of people and I guess why I am feeling this way is because I have seen them in a while. Right now, all I can do is look at the stars.

I really don’t know how to express this so I am making this post. And upon re-reading it I guess it is a pointless expression of emotion that when looked upon is entirely self inflicted. I needed to get it out.  And nobody reads this blog anyway.


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